Number Four

Summer 2001 - Costillo Family
Narrated by Rowena Costillo
Victor is 42, Rowena is 39, Daniel is 16, Leo is 2

 This summer has been creeping by, so slowly. My days are filled with diaper changes, feedings, and housecleaning.


I know being a mother is a full-time job, but it's never felt so much like a job before. With Cheron gone away to college, I feel sort of alone in the house. Victor is always busy with the family business. He's rarely home, and when he is, he's in "private meetings".

But I can't stay mad at him. He works hard and puts a great roof over our heads. I just wish he would side with me when it comes to raising Daniel. Daniel refuses to even talk about going to college. When he graduates he wants to follow his father's footsteps.

He's already well on his way. The police brought him home at 3 AM the other night. I was mortified.

And little Leo has been the fussiest baby lately. He cries almost constantly, and turns his nose up at most food I try to feed him. He was such an easy infant, I guess he was waiting until toddlerhood to be difficult. I'm trying to teach him how to talk, but he just pouts and refuses to play. It worries me.

I wasn't even sure if I was ready to do it all again. Did I want to have another child, one who would be fussy and cold to me? One who would become a teenager and decide to join a life of crime and break my heart?

I didn't have much choice in the matter, though. I was already very far along. Victor and I always said we wanted to have five children, and this was number four. I went into labor while Victor and Daniel were out, and had to deal with it by myself.

But when I held my second baby girl, Allegra, I felt guilty for having doubts. Of course I wanted her, I wouldn't change that for the world. But did I want to round it out to five children? It had always been my dream. Now, though, I'm not so sure. I'm not a young girl, anymore. I'm nearly forty.

I think I want to just enjoy Allegra's childhood.